Hannah's Mommy

I opened my bible yesterday, I try to read it every day but sometimes I forget. But I was flipping through and I found my favorite passage. I felt like it always gave me strength when things were tough, especially when I was pregnant and freaking out about it. But I love this passage, and I wanted to share.

"The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

"Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
~Jeremiah 1:5-9

It reminds me theres a plan for everything and even if you think you're to young or old or week or something there is a plan. That makes me feel better.



But anyway a new update will come eventually! I promise.

Lately things have been crazy. The last month or so has been spent trying to go from one place to another. From home, to Brazil, to home to Georgia to home to soon hopefully Greece, Disney, and the cabin. Its a life I never really dreamed of having. I'm not like my friends here, I don't have a big house, or a private jet, or my own private beach. Well unless when I lift up hannah it counts as hers, or our sandbox is a beach. Its a life I never dreamed but it makes me happy that my friends can make that a reality for my little girl. And myself. They can give Hannah the things that I can't. Phelan asked me a little while ago what I would say to Hannah when she asked where her father was. And I know what my answer will be, what its always been. That she has other people in her lives that are all the more special. She has a nanna and a papa and a Lana and an Izzy and an Alex and a Jake and a Katie and a Trent and all our other friends that we've made our family. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I love all of them so much that I couldn't imagine my life really without any of them anymore.

It was even just months ago that I felt alone. When I was scared to let people in, I was scared to be touched, to be loved, to be cared about or for. And all of those people up there, in their own way they've changed that. And I hope all of you know just how much each and every one of you mean to me. And you'll forever be in my heart. And that I thank God every day that you've all helped me become the person I am now, the person I'm becoming. Its better for me and its better for my daughter.

But It seems like every entry is about that, my loves. lol. So today lets go to a new topic. One that has seriously pissed me off as of late and that is the show'Baby borrowers'

Lets not forget for a second that really I think the whole concept is completely pathetic...I mean three days with a baby or a toddler isn't anything compaired to months and months and years of it. I know Hannah is well behaved for everyone except me half the time! lol. But they don't have to deal with the sick baby, or the one that cries and clings, or waking up to feed them when you have a final exam the next day. Those moments make you dread it most. But at the same time know that you;re the one to make them better, its like magic. But anyway besides that fact like...half the couples get screwed over all the time! it isn't fair. Theres a huge difference between little 6 month old babies and lamost year old ones. And between 2 and 4 year olds and between 8 and 10 year olds. Like I don't get why some people get little twins and some people get one 4 year old kid for the toddler show. Or why some couples get three little boys with a rat they have to feed to their snake while some couples just get one kid with two dogs. Its pretty lame and unfair. And yeah in the world its unfair too but I think the playing ground should be even. Ugg it pisses me off!

And who in their right mind would give their baby to do that? I wouldn't give hannah to strangers. Granted I'm their age and I've been there and all that stuff and perhaps I would have wisdom to bestill on them or something. But honestly! Ugg I hate it. Its so lame and it annoys me really to no end :( But...I watch it anyway :-x

That and that swingtown show...I really like that too. But I dont know why. it doesnt seem like a show I would like but like I cant stop watching it half the time lol. gosh

theres more iw ant to put here but I'll make it private later I think. But I just had to bring up that baby borrowers thing.

And its my loveys birthday. I havent gotten down to see her yet though I feel like I fail. Who else wants to head to brazil with me soon?

I'm a placeholder till my mommy can update!

I'm just having one of those days you know? Three years ago today Hannah was concieved. Three years ago today the person I trusted took advantage of that trust. And with it he changed everything. He took my innocence, he took my childhood, he took my virginity, he took the rest of my life away from me. Yet at the same time he gave me the most precious gift I could ever ask for.

Lately I've been thinking about all the stuff his actions have cost me. I look around at everyone else. Everyone that can go party all the time, go out on a whim, can do all those things that college kids can do. And I can't. I can't because I have to be responsible and I have to be the mother my daughter deserves. And I love hannah. But at the same time I'm so... I want so badly to be able to do those things. To live the life I should be able to if he hadn't done what he did. It isn't fair. And the only other thing to do is wish it had never happened. What if he had never raped me. I would be okay. I wouldn't be broken. I feel broken. Like everyone around me deserves more than me. They deserve the me I used to be. When I was happy, when I was social, when I wasn't so fucking scared all the time. But Izzy and Alex and even Jake and Trent and some other people... they've all helped to make me feel a little less scared. But at the same time I still do. I can still feel my chest tighten when people get too close, can still cringe when I get brushed against at a bar or a party. And I can't do some of the things I want to do either because I have Hannah. If there wasn't Parker I would be okay. But I would be without her. Is that like wishing she weren't here? Thats why I feel horrible saying it. Because she is my world, my everything, the reason I stayed alive after.

Sometimes I just wish I was the slut people always look at me as when I Go out with her. They give that look like 'oh god, she's a whore' when we pass them. I wish I was. I wish I had just fucked and been stupid enough not to wear a condom. Maybe I would deserve those looks. Maybe I would deserve the way my town looked at me, the way my parents looked at me. He never got a single look. I was the slut that cheated on Parker Stone. The one who speaked about virginity, who wore her chastity ring and then got fucking knocked up and wouldn't say who the father was. Obviously I was a slut. People look at Hannah and me sometimes and think of the mistake that I made. But what about the choice I made to keep her alive? I know it took courage to do that. I talked to Max about it. About how they wanted me to get rid of her but I didn't. I chose to keep my baby. I chose to give her life. Maybe all of this...of the not going out or the partying or all that. It is my life, my decision. Isn't it? By saying Yes to her. By saying her life was worth more than my parents ever loving me again. They wanted her sucked out of me like she was nothing. My little girl didn't deserve that. I made that choice at 15 to have this be my life forever. And people call that brave and sometimes I don't feel brave. Sometimes I'm so scared out of my mind that I'm doing this all wrong and that she deserves better and I'm just not good enough. But then she looks up at me with those big eyes and smiles and kisses me and calls me 'mama' and I feel happier than anyone else in the entire world. But still I fear that. I fear the day Parker says he wants her too. Or the day I have to tell her everything. What if she thinks it was my fault. Thinks I was a liar like everyone else did. I don't want her eyes to look at me like my parents or anyone elses. I know they probably wont but still...that fear is there.

And today I have this struggle about whether I want to be alone or whether I want someone there with me. I think it depends on the time or something... My grandparents said they'd take hannah if I needed them to. So I could be alone. But being alone might mean that I would be stuck with images of him in my head asking me how much I liked it. About the pain I felt while he enjoyed it. About the feel and taste of cotton in my mouth. See I'm already remembering. Maybe I don't want that all day. Maybe I want to be surrounded by the people I love. My daughter, my grandparents, my friends. I don't really know. Its so strange feeling so into the world, surrounded by people and so totally and utterly alone all the time. No one really gets what its like. No one really understands how it feels. They can try and they can pretend and they don't. I don't know what I need to do today.

Its June 3rd. And three years ago Parker Stone raped me.

So its mothers day and I finally got my presents. Oh my gosh, can you say totally adorable?!?!

( Tiny little hands and feet! In my garden! )


( Tiny little hands and feet! On my plates!!!! )

I didn't know my baby was such an artist! I even got a mug with her picture on it, and another plate with a drawing she made of me and her. Its so cute!!!

December seems so far away that somehow I forgot how hard it is to juggle Finals with Hannah. It always seems like she knows exactly when finals are coming up so she's been especially clingy and whiny lately. Not that whole terrible twos stage, but the 'mama! now!' demanding my attention stage. And of course I give it to her. She looks so adorable when she's being all stubborn and her little face gets all pouty. We've been spending alot of time outside, especially since Brewster loves it outside too.

And her sleep schedule is off. The pediatrician says its because she's growing again so she needs more sleep, or less sleep depending on the day. So she's up early and goes to bed early. But now she's starting to wake up half way through the night. I like having my nights to study, I'm not going to lie. So we snuggle on the couch and I try to write my papers or I do my homework. But Hannah loves the computer so I always have to go through my papers about three times to make sure there aren't any random iuoiuijfreoijkew ruijrefoije in there when she decides to type. Which she did right there!! Since apparently Blue's Clues isn't as entertaining today as wriui4ejt. Writing in my entry. Sorry Im not erasing them. Its cute though :-p

But yeah. I feel like I'm staying up till all hours of the night to try to get all the work I have to get done done but it never really seems to be enough time to do all of it. Especially when I go to bed at 2 and wake up at 5:30 to 'Mama' but I love waking up to her voice, hearing her all sleepy and calling me mama. Its my favorite time of the day. Snuggling with her until she wakes up all the way. I love my angel.

We went to the toystore yesterday and got her her own computer. One of those leapfrog ones, since she absolutely adores the one that Alex got her for her birjkl; birthday. Of course not as much as her kitchen set, her castle, or her princess mobile. But at least this little computer helps keep her entertained, and of course being me I have pictures!! They're at the end lol.

Besides that life's been good. Work, school, Hannah, hanging out with my friends. It's lovely. Of course there was some stuff going on before but it seems to be settling down. At least I hope it is.

Mothers day is soon, I'm so excited. Then it will be summer and since I dont have to work at the diner anymore its going to be lots of me and baby time! And Bff time too since they're taking me away sometime. :-p

Oh and since I owe him this from like... march, before things got to where I couldn't update fast enough when things were changing rapidly. Connor- you're the hotest irish guy I know. Even if you are the ONLY irish guy I know :-p. That was his 'sexy shoutout'.

And now for baby!!





[[[okay so... Serenity loves Hannah and wants to post pictures but the only screen caps of the show are poor quality and from the same two scenes in Degrassi so I'm just going to post brown haired little girls even if they arent always the same little girl. I hope no one minds. And if anyone wants the pic under a cut, let me know <33]]]

So the school year is ending, which means that vacation is coming up. Which means its almost time to visit the lovely brazil with my bff. So who likes this bathing suit?

I got a letter in the mail yesterday. No return address, no hand writing, just a typewritten note and a post mark from home. And I'm scared. I brought it to the police but they say they have no way of proving its him. I hate hearing that. That there's no way to prove something. Prove all of this. It could have been him. It could have been one of his friends. We can't prove anything and they look at me like I'm irrational.

I'm getting a security system put in the house on monday I think. Or next week when they can install it. But its so... unfair you know? Not that anyone has half of an idea what I'm talking about. But thats okay. I don't care about that either. I can't even stay in the house. Hannah and I are staying in the main house until we can get the security system in. That or maybe a night at Izzys. Hannah and I would like that, seeing our Auntie and our best friend. But still. Its my house, I should feel safe. And I don't. He knows where I live now. Not that he didn't know before but he knows enough to send letters now. He knows where I live, his friends know where I live. And I don't feel safe.

I know what I did was right. I know that. But this is one of my fears, that this would happen. Thats why I pushed for the dog. Minus the fact hes cute and adorable. But the fact he offered at least a little protection, a little piece of mind. But I guess its not enough. Maybe nothing will happen, more than likely nothing will happen. He isn't stupid, at least that stupid is he? Or maybe he just counted on the fact I wouldn't be this stupid. I don't even know.

On a lighter note though. The one good thing about being in the house again is that they make me breakfast! Grandma made hannah and I pancakes that looked like suns today. It was great.

( Private to self )

It never ceased to amaze me how life can change in just a second. One minute you think you have it all. That perfect boyfriend, that perfect life, those perfect family and friends. And the next its all gone. One moment you're fine and happy, the next your pregnant, the next your sitting in an abortion clinic listening to your parents talk about how its best, and the next you're holding a beautiful little girl in your arms.

There have been alot of those moments lately. One minute I'm invited to coffee and the next we're sledding. One minute I'm joking online and the next I feel like my world is collapsing around me. You go from being the only person that knows your darkest secrets, to one person knowing, to two people knowing. And somehow you're okay with that when you thought you wouldn't be. When you thought you couldn't look someone in eyes again if they knew. I go from being scared to liking someone. And I don't even think I'm really even scared of him deciding to settle down and settling down with her. Because right now I feel well...right. I feel right liking him, and letting him know what he knows, and heck, I might even feel right being a Pats fan tomorrow. And I know that he likes someone else, and to that person... I am sorry. Like, I didn't do it on purpose, and I know he likes you too and I know you're great and a half. And yeah I don't know anything besides that really. But that isnt the whole point to this entry.

During the week something amazing happened. I went from working two jobs to take care of my baby girl to being able to work just one now. I can't explain how happy that makes me, how much of a relief that is. And I will be thankful forever for it. My biggest fear, my biggest regret, is that I might miss something important with her, that I have. And now I don't have to worry about that so much. Granted I still have to go to school, I think hannah when she grows up will understand that. Its best for me and best for her that I do. But already its so nice just... being there and with her. More of those moments I love, of holding her close and listening to her laugh. But most importantly being there to tuck her in every night. I hate having to work late and not being able to do that. But now I can. And I love it. And I am so thankful.

Now aside from being all sentimental. Even though usually I am a pile of gushyness. Watch the superbowl. Not for the pats/giants but so

YOU CAN SEE INEZ ON TV!!! haha yep. Our pretty lady is in a commercial tomorrow. Watch it, love it. I know I will. <3

Tweak says, "Your mom goes to college"

Is it bad that that cracked me up, mainly cause hannah was sitting on my lap.


Okay. Just had to share.

<3
serenity

The girl:

Name Serenity Taylor
age18
Year in college Freshman
Major Child Psychology
Occupations Student, Waitress, Library Aide.

The family:

Parents Anthony and Anne Taylor
Fathers occupation Presbyterian minister
Mothers occupation Sunday school teacher
Family Dynamics Serenity and her parents used to get along fabulously. Raised in a religious household serenity always knew the difference between right and wrong and for the most part she was the perfect daughter. She got good grades, she did well in school, she attended church every Sunday. She even had the perfect boyfriend. However the family’s relationship was strained when at 16 their little girl ended up pregnant. Serenity wouldn’t admit who the babies father was, or exactly when she became pregnant. Being of high moral status in the community her father didn’t want anyone looking down upon them and he and his wife suggested that Serenity get an abortion. To them it was better for her, and the baby, and the family even if it was against most of the rules of the church. But if she didn’t tell anyone no one had to know, that was the general philosophy. Serenity tried to go through with it and went with them to the clinic. But the longer she sat there the more she knew she couldn’t get rid of the child growing inside of her so she walked out of the clinic. Her parents didn’t like this and rarely supported her through the pregnancy and the birth of her child. Soon after her daughters birth Serenity moved in with her maternal grandparents and hasn’t spoken to her parents since.

Grandparents Mary Ellen and Jacob Evans
occupationsBoth her grandparents are retired, though they are well off
Family Dynamics Serenity and her grandparents get along fabulously. They were there for her when no one else was and she loves them very much. She currently lives in their guesthouse, since they determined she deserved some privacy and semblance of a normal life on her own. They Serenity’s daughter when Serenity is either working or at school. Serenity feels bad for the responsibility they’ve taken over her but she loves them the more for it and they cherish her and their great grand daughter.

The daughter
NameHannah
Birthdate February 13th
Age Soon to be 2
Father Parker Stone- Serenity would rather not say but it is her high school boyfriend of three years. The boy got sick of the fact that sweet, innocent Serenity wouldn’t put out and took matters into his own hands, leaving the girl hurt, scared, and pegnant. To this day Serenity hasn’t admitted to anyone that the baby is his, and hasn’t spoken to him since the night he took away her virginity and left her with a daughter.
Relationship Serenity loves her daughter more than anything in the entire world. She tries to spend as much time with her as possible. Serenity has never been ashamed of her daughter or her pregnancy and that was one of the reasons she moved away- because she didn’t want people to look at her daughter the way they looked at her. Serenity believes that her life would be nothing without her daughter and works hard to make a life for them and make her daughter proud

Growing up I was taught all things were holy. From the ground we walk on, to the air we breath, to the sun that shines each day, to the tears we shed in joy in sadness. God blesses everything and he always has a plan. He always forgives and he always makes things work. Even our biggest mistakes he forgives us for and we learn from them. Sometimes those things end up turning into something we cherish more than our own lives. God loves us, but wouldn't be easier if people did too?

Daddy preaches from the pulpit every Sunday morning as he has since before I was born. But sometimes I think the words are hollow. He speaks of forgiveness yet he couldn't forgive me for the things I've done. I spent two years trying to make repentance for some sin I was supposed to have committed. And I know he would be angry if I said I wasn't sorry for what I had done. That it was all totally totally worth it. I never believed that one thing could change everything.

There are supposed to be times in life when we look back at the things we've done and question if it was all worth it. And I'm not that old. But I look back on everything and I can honestly say I high school on time and the work I do now and making the best mistake of my life in a hot tub when I was drunk. The rest of it, every single other thing I've done in my life I've regretted.

Growing up I tried to be perfect, I guess that’s probably what my downfall was. I always tried to be what people expected me to be. The A plus student, the girl next door, the perfect high school girlfriend. And no one really thought otherwise of me except the person that meant more to me than anything. In high school I dated the same boy for 3 years. And I thought I seriously loved him. But we broke up...because I wouldn't put out. Yet somehow… from someone, I won’t say who since It doesn’t matter, I got pregnant. Of course I wouldn’t tell mom and daddy who the baby’s father was. That’s my business and no one else’s. It shouldn’t have mattered anyway.

I wanted that baby. That little girl. And my parent, my preacher father, took me to the clinic because that’s what everyone said I should do, get rid of the little one growing inside of me. And I was young and I was easily persuaded, and because I loved my family and I loved that baby, I was willing to give it up. I wanted what was best for them, I wanted the people of the town to still respect them... even if their daughter had messed up. But in the end I was stronger. I made my decision and I was ready to live with it.. We walked out of that clinic together and never looked back. I went through a pregnancy with barely any support from them. I gave up going to church and seeing the looks of shame and disgust on people’s faces.

I don’t regret having my little girl. Every day when I wake up and I hold her or I feed her or I read and sing to her and she looks up at me with those big eyes I know I made the right decision in keeping her. She’s my life and she’s all I’ve ever hoped for. She’s beautiful and smart and amazing. Or maybe that’s just the proud mother in me talking.

I got through high school with the pregnancy and some amazing daycare at the very end of it. People always looked at me strange because I was the preacher’s daughter and I was the pregnant girl. But if they took the chance to see me instead of the bump on my stomach they would know I was still the same person I always was. But people judge you different after. But I worked hard and I passed my tests and I got a scholarship for college. Its hard, balancing classes and motherhood and the jobs I work. Its hard being away from home, since I moved as soon as I graduated, I hated the way my parents looked at me. But my grandparents were understanding and I live at the guest house on their property now. They watch Hannah when I’m at school or I’m working. It might not be perfect, and I know I shouldn’t expect them to take care of her like they do, but I don’t know if I’d be able to make it alone right now. I thank them every day and I thank God for all he’s given me. From my wonderful grandparents, to my wonderful baby, to the great schooling I’m getting. I can only hope that someday I can make them all proud.